Sanaya

“Either you were late or I was” he heaved into the phone. The voice pierced the last cell in my heart and I bled in tears. “Bye.” He was accelerating his journey away from me, never to return. I bit my lips, cried in soft monotones audible for just two of us.

“Don’t hang up, please,” I mumbled. It was beating wild in my heart, the undying flutter of wings. Wings of love, craving to be together. Realization that we would never be husband and wife, would never be one, chained my wings. It hurt me more with each passing microsecond.

“I love you,” he said. Every time he had said this in the past, I danced like a child in my heart. The sun would shine right there in the centre of my heart. But this time that very sun was burning my heart.

“What use?” I cried.

“I know. But, I will love you for ever.” He sounded less guilty than he should have been. Here, he was offering water to my thirsty being for ever, with the condition that I cannot have even a single drop of it. I was waiting like a dog to lick it.

In those moments of helplessness, sprouts an energy that ignites your soul and thwarts it with a great velocity that you yourself cannot comprehend. In one such moment of inexplicable frenzy, I said, “I let you go.” I clicked the call and cried into my lavender shawl pulled over my face as I fell back into my chair pushed against the wall of my six by six cubicle in a plush office in Delhi. I couldn’t afford my sobs to escape into the thin air into next cubicle. Oreo sat there with a quarter of his attention dedicated to my cubicle. My mother and myself smiled at me from the white makeshift walls. The money plant looked sad too. I carefully wiped the tears with my shawl so as not to spoil my kohl. He liked my eyes with kohl. He loved to run his fingers through my long hair. Of all my not so appealing features, he found an unmatchable beauty in my smile. They stole his heart instantly. Stealthily, I walked into his life spreading cheer, life and light. Today, he snuffed out the light from his life.

“Sania, can you just mail me the quarterly report file,” Oreo appears in my foreground. His hands over the white partition and face over them like a pot on a balcony wall.

“Sending Oreo,” I act cheerful. A good piece of fabric never leaves its shades even when squeezed dry. He disappears. Mahi’s thoughts appear.

I met Mahinder quite accidentally. It’s been just seven months since we met first. If you are destined to meet, you will. He would never have travelled by a taxi, but that day, he did. You would never have travelled in a taxi pool, but that day you would pool. Cupid has an impish grin. I was travelling to Chennai for an official meeting. I had taken a taxi pool to the airport that day. Halfway through the journey, I realize I had not left the key with the neighbour. Avanti and I were sharing our flat and I did not have time to go back and drop the key. I was already late and the traffic was worsening my dilemma. I start to come up with all impractical solutions, use my versions of cuss words which are really childish (Mahi used to tease me later), and end up highly irritable and of no help to myself. I seek the driver’s help, “Bhayya, can you just drop this key back at the flat where you picked me from? Leave it with the guard.” I had no choice but to trust this random man whom I had never met in my life and most probably would never ever meet, with our key. I explain to him the situation, all the while imagining a tired Avanti coming and fuming outside a locked door, blessing me with centuries of good life and prosperity. The hero enters the scene. I hadn’t noticed him till then. From the passenger seat in front of that Honda Amaze, a handsome Greek God on Earth spoke to me.

“I am Mahindra.” I am dead. The handsome face on the posters and hoardings outside is within huggable distance. “I am put up near to your flat for couple of days. I can drop the key if you want. When will your friend be returning?” I am dead. “Actually, I am a politician, an MLA from Karnataka.” I am dead. I had listened to his arguments on the national television last night, and was all gaga over him. I had googled and found him to be single. Ready to mingle part, I wasn’t sure. “If you want me to, I can.”

He looked at me, into my eyes. I am alive. “Sir, that would be difficult for you.” I wanted to talk to him for a lifetime. But the time I had in my hand was so little.

 “Areeee….” That arrow struck where it should. The manly voice made me so feminine. I smiled that smile which filled his heart and was overflowing onto his face. I handed over to him the key of my house and my heart.

“Sir, I am so sorry for the trouble. I forgot to leave it with our neighbour.” I start again.

He cuts me short, “Be a bit more careful next time, Madam.”

I extend my right hand for a shake, “Sanaya.”

He extends his, “Ohh, the distinguished.” I am spell bound when he deciphers my name’s meaning. This time my smile is more killing. It exudes from him electric signals that decodes right there in my heart, fireworks, one, two, three, there they go. He gets down at Jai Singh Marg. He waves at me from the pavement. I wave back. The driver starts to move. Mahinder rushes to my side of the car asking me to stop. The driver stops and I roll down the glass, “What happened?”

“hey, just give me your number. I will drop a message after I give the key.” I had been praying for this. I quickly give him my number. “Safe flight.” We go to our own destinations. All the way to Chennai, in Chennai and back in Delhi, I had been thinking only about him, why I hadn’t taken his number and why he hadn’t messaged me. Why would an MLA ever travel in a taxi? Whys, whats, ifs and so on. Avanti was disappointed that some driver had dropped the key at the guard’s place and it wasn’t Mahinder. Two weeks into post Mahinder episode, on a Friday night, my phone beeps. 1 whatsapp message. An unknown number. I open the application. “The distinguished lady is back in town? Mahinder here.” Like a wild kitten, I jump from my resting position to sitting position. “Yes sir Yes sir” We continued chatting for four hours till three in the morning. It was just the beginning of our unending conversations. It became a habit. Whatsapp messages to calls to video calls. He was in Karnataka and I in Delhi. Being the national face of his party, and a youth icon, he was popular in North too. His Hindi was elementary, but his English was Oxford. His looks were beyond this world, but his work was very much people oriented. We discussed about politics, economy, movies, book, fashion, food and what not. I was deeply in love with this man and he sounded equally interested. Otherwise who would wake you up in the morning, remind you of your schedule, surprise you with flowers and random gifts by post. But this question never popped up in our conversation. Firstly, he was a very prominent political figure with great stakes attached to his name and action. Secondly, I feared losing him by asking the right question at the wrong time.

He talked about his friends, men and women. I was addicted to him to the core. If at times, his work made him difficult to contact, I felt suffocated and drained of energy. He was my life. I was waiting for him to tell me this. One day he surprised me by dropping at my flat unannounced. It was my birthday and till that day he had acted as if he was not concerned about the day. My joy knew no bounds, I danced for him, I danced with him, I sang for him, he sang for me and we spend the best moments of our life together in that living room of my flat. As he was running his fingers through my hair, I cuddled myself close to him in the sofa. Heaven is in your man’s arms. “I love you,” he said. I am ecstatic. I am waiting for a will you marry me. Nothing follows.

“Will you marry me, Mahi?” I smile and ask. I believe I was cute. A silence follows.

After a minute’s pause, he says, “Sania, you have no idea of the issues I am going through.” I am shaken. I free myself from his arms. “You have been my saviour in the past few months. The light that has shone for me in the darkness. I am in a terrible mess. I will tell you someday.” I am dead. I cannot comprehend. I slowly look into his eyes. “I love you. Do you love me?” he is expecting a reply.

I get up from the sofa. “Mahi, what do you mean? You love me, but cannot marry me. You are like other men. You just want my body and time but not me. I don’t come in packages for sale.”

Mahinder too gets up. “Sania, don’t cry. Listen. I am having problems which are beyond my…”

I raise both my hands and shouts, “what problem? Tell me, I will solve all your problems. You went and murdered somebody kya? Or you raped somebody kya? Batao…kya hai tumhara problem?” He just held both my hands together in between us. That pacified me. He was calm. “I am sorry, I didn’t want your birthday to be spoilt. I was not cheating you. I knew my limits. I have never gone beyond the limits. I never lied to you. Don’t hate me.” He walked back to the sofa, took his jacket and looked at me. My most precious birthday gift till date was breaking into pieces. I had not even played with it. I wanted to go and hug him tight and cry, not to leave me. Instead, I say, “Please leave. I don’t want to see you ever again.” The six footer vanished into the alley. The fragrance of his perfume stayed in the room and so did his memories. Three weeks pass in our lives. I am broken. We are not talking to each other. No courtesy messages. I struggle with life. I fall sick. In that moment of extreme tiredness, I ping him, “I am not well. Down with dengue.” He immediately rings me up and we talk like friends. Nothing more, nothing less. No medicines were more powerful than him. Fourth month since we had known each other. He rings me up after two weeks of some random hii, how are yous and byes. This time, the bomb is mild and not of that great intensity as the first. I was rather not expecting anything. He had told his parents about me and they had issues with my religion. I was reminded of the lines, ‘Ya Allah…forgive me, for I loved him more than You” He was taken back by my aloofness. “Come up with better reasons, Sir. You live in 21^st century. This cannot be the terrible issues you are going through. Just call me when you are ready to say that. Wait, otherwise I don’t want to hear it.”

“Sania, I love you. I have never lied to you” I hear sobs at the other end. Greek God in tears. This laity should be held guilty. He disconnects the call.

I did not hear from him for quite some time. I hid it from the whole word. I was madly in love with him. I badly wanted him in my life. But I had no way of getting him. It was hurting me like an open sore when air blows over it. One random day, I see on the television that he met with an accident. Nothing to worry much, some injuries on that handsome body. I panic, I ring him up. Fifth month. This time it was more intense. We seemed inseparable. We became more close emotionally and physically over our mobile phones. He promised he would make me his own. He promised he would never leave me. He promised he would be mine and only mine. I promised I will stand by him whatever may come. We were one, separated by distance.

“Sania, you want chips?” Oreo appears again. He wants to start a conversation.

“No, Oreo” I am blunt

“Sanaya Dhaulatkhan” he reads my name plate. “Why do we call you Sania?”

I am dismayed and irritated. I want to shout at Mahinder. But he is not here. “Oreo, please. I am not in the best of my moods now.”

“Ohh.PMS?”

“Oreo, Please” Oreo’s head disappears.

I missed Mahinder more. I could have messaged him right now that Oreo is disturbing me and he would have replied something that would send me into giggles, if not for all that had unwound between us in the past four days.

Month six. Again the question of wedding pops up between us. Mahinder told me he would talk to his parents once again. I was all positive till I got a mail from him where he had written a novella for me. An author and a single reader. The terrible mess revealed before me in all its mammoth size. Mahinder had been seeing an actress for a year now. (My descent into the underworld begins). They were all set to marry. (I make my entry at this point of time in their lives. Unfortunately for me, it didn’t work out between them at that time). Mahinder came to know that she had one night stands with other men and when confronted, she flatly refused and wanted to marry him. (I make my presence felt in his life strongly at this point. The pendulum in his heart swings in my favour). But she would not let go of my man easily. She comes up with videos of their personal moments, phone chats and conversation, and sends an alarm down his spine. The warning is clear, “either marry her or face the consequences.” If chargesheeted, Mahinder had so much to lose. I knew it. I was not an actress. I had no wrong intentions. I had only love. And it was not just love that mattered. The message was clear to me. Sanaya, you are unwanted in their story. I tried convincing Mahinder, I will stand by him if he fights the case. I knew what I was saying and my words were measured. But he was more worried about his reputation, and fame. Where does Sanaya feature in it? What can her love do to his world? Sanaya will not win him elections. Sanaya will not be as charming as his actress wife. I shouldn’t have cried, but I did.

All my pleads and words fell on deaf years. He did not give me much time to think or act. I don’t know if I doubted Mahinder in the last two days. He did not want me in his life as his wife. He wanted to marry her. I understood.

Sanaya, the distinguished, Sanaya, the esteemed. My parents named me thus and I have been true to my name.

I took my mobile from the table. Deleted Mahinder’s number. Blocked him on whatsapp.

“Mahinder, Live happily.” I blessed him with my tears. He is getting married today with the actress in a court marriage. The Televisions will be flashing it. I don’t care. No, I do. But nobody cares. I am Sanaya, the esteemed.

I wipe my tears.

“Oreo, I want chips.” Oreo’s head appears with the packet of chips in his hand. “I am called Sania too because my parents knew I would be brilliant.” We laugh.